Five Ways Sherlock Ruined John's Wedding
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: Five alternative versions of what could have happened at John's wedding. Includes both slash and het pairings, violence, and sheer hilarity...one hopes.


**1. Through Dave.**

Everything had been perfect so far.

There was nothing wrong in the preparations. No sudden attack or murder to ruin it (much to Sherlock's disappointment and everyone else's relief). No incident on the aisle or anything, Mary stayed up right the whole time, and no bridesmaid did anything silly, and best of all John was completely sober and not all hung-over because the Stag Night was three days ago.

Everything was perfect. _Yawn._

That is until the kindly priest said, very loudly, perhaps too loudly, "If there is any reason why these two people should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Sherlock was incredibly insulted that John felt the need to hold onto his arm as if he was the problem. He wasn't going to do anything destructive to the wedding! Mrs Hudson would kill him!

"Yes!"

Everyone gasped and turned round to face a man standing in the back of the crowd. He was very average looking though John has described him to Sherlock as weasel faced and Sherlock could sort of see what John's nonsensical romancing meant.

"I object!" Dave declared. Everyone gasped again and Sherlock rolled his eyes at the melodrama of it all. "I cannot under good conscious let Mary marry John without declaring my undying love for her!" this time it was Sherlock that restrained John from doing something stupid. And this time it was justified. "It wasn't until Sherlock spelled it out to me that I realised," Dave explained, "that I am irrevocably and ardently in love with you Mary Morstan."

The look John, Mary, and all the other guests shot Sherlock was nothing short of murderous.

Hmm…perhaps there will be a murder here after all.

**2. With an Ongoing Case. **

"How long is this going to take?" Sherlock whined.

"A good hour," John replied tugging at his bow tie. Unlike Sherlock, John found it incredibly uncomfortable to wear such formal wear, and yet when Sherlock suggested a casual affair where John wears his jumper, he got scolded for being _silly_. Hmmph, no one is ever happy are they? "So behave," John instructed firmly.

"When do I not?" Sherlock asked innocently. John just sighed in reply which gave Sherlock the impression that he was right and John was wrong. As usual. "I do hope they hurry it along," Sherlock carried on. "Before the gang we were tracking last week catch us up and try to kill us."

"_**WHAT?**_!"

The deadly silence that resulted in response to John's explosive reaction was immediately shattered by the arrival of the hit man the gang obviously hired. Ignorant of the screams, gun shots, and general chaos, Mary walked out in her beautiful gown ready to walk down the aisle just as John shot the assassin dead.

Mary stood there stunned as blood splattered her face and white gown.

"Well…" Sherlock said somewhat sheepishly. As sheepishly as someone as shameless as him could get. "That's some symbolism of the Wedding Night you have there."

"Shut up, Sherlock."

**3. The Slash Implication. **

"…and then John erotically stroked my inner thigh when-"

The room stilled at this sentence. Both Lestrade and John choked on their drinks, Molly accidentally knocked her cutlery off the table noisily, and Mrs Hudson sighed heavily and reached out for her very much alcoholic drink to soothe her nerves.

"I beg your pardon," Mary's mother interrupted Sherlock's long winded speech which included two of their cases and the Stag Night. "John did what to your inner thigh?"

"He stroked it," Sherlock repeated slowly as if Mary's mother was a complete moron. Which, in his head, she was. "Erotically," he added.

"_I did not_!" John hissed, his face bright red.

"You did too," Sherlock corrected his friend. "Now anyway-"

"No I'm sorry," Mary's mother interrupted again in a tone that wasn't apologetic at all. "John stroked your thigh erotically merely three days before his wedding to my daughter and you don't find that strange at all."

"No," Sherlock said unbothered, and completely ignorant to everything…as usual.

"_Mother_!" Mary whispered embarrassed. "Don't start."

"Well it is strange. It's fucking odd," Mary's mother ranted. "It indicates a completely unhealthy relationship not only for John and you, but for John and my daughter. John Watson I am disgusted at you for leading these two people on! Either you terminate your twisted pseudo homosexual relationship with Sherlock or you file a divorce first thing tomorrow morning!"

"There's nothing unhealthy about my friendship with Sherlock!" John shouted indignantly. "And I won't-"

"Mother!" Mary stood up furiously. "Stop ruining any opportunity I could have had for a sexy homoerotic threesome with John and Sherlock."

"Yeah," John said in agreement, "wait, _what?_!"

At this point Sherlock had just gotten bored and started texting.

**4. Stealing Thunder. **

"…To lose such companionship that I had with John Watson, and then to see him with a well deserving girl such as Mary has opened my eyes to love," Sherlock carried on his speech after retelling one of their latest cases. The speech had been going on for almost an hour now, and John was certain Sherlock was trying to make a world record for longest Best Man speech. "I have realised that my brother and I had it completely wrong. Sentiment is not a weakness, love is beautiful," everyone awwwed there, especially Mrs Hudson and Molly who became teary eyed again. "Love is fulfilling, warm, and kind, it comes in many forms and I was lucky to find it friendship with the best, wisest, and bravest man, and now I hope to find it in the kindest, sweetest, and intelligent of women."

Everyone stared at Sherlock in blank confusion as he leaped over the table in a sexy manner. He strode over to his favourite table where Mrs Hudson, Lestrade, and Molly were sitting, elbowed poor Tom out of the way, and dragged Molly up out from her chair, and round the table.

"Sherlock, what-"

Sherlock interrupted Molly silently as he pressed a finger against her lip. He then went down on one knee causing Molly and Mrs Hudson to gasp, Lestrade to grip the edge of the table, Tom to stand up angrily (and knocking his chair down with a loud thump), and John to gawk at his so called best friend.

"No," he muttered, "no, no, no, no, no…"

"Molly Hooper, will you marry me and be my companion for life?" Sherlock asked.

"I…erm…you…yeah," Molly said completely flustered, "sure, why not?"

"_Molly!"_

"_Shut up, Tom_!"

"SHERLOCK!" John roared. "You don't propose to someone at another person's wedding!"

"You don't?" Sherlock raised an eyebrow.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you're stealing our thunder!"

"Pardon?" Sherlock tilted his head thoughtfully. "How is that scientifically possible?"

John, having been stressed for months, embarrassed thoroughly by his best friend, and still a bit upset that his only sister couldn't be bothered to turn up at his own wedding, snapped and lunged over the table and tackled Sherlock to the ground.

Men surrounded the wrestling pair eagerly, Molly shrieked a leaped back, Mrs Hudson clutched her chest as if she was having a heart attack, and Mary merely just face palmed.

"_Anger management lessons_," she moaned quietly to herself, "I should have gotten him anger management lessons for Christmas."

**5. Through the Press (And Fangirls). **

John and Mary happily got married only to be besieged the moment they stepped out of the church by flashing cameras, obnoxious reporters, and a few decoratively dressed fangirls that were 'protesting'.

"Mr Holmes, is it true you were only here to solve a murder mystery?"

"Mr Holmes, how do you feel that your ex-lover is now married to a woman?"

"Mrs Watson, is it true that you are nothing but the beard for Mr Watson's and Mr Holmes' homosexual love for one another?"

"Die! How dare you leave Sherlock?!"

"Die, bitch, die!"

John managed to manoeuvre himself to take all the rotten tomatoes that the brutal fangirls were throwing at his beloved. They stank. Absolutely stank. And they ruined his rental…that was so going to cost him a fortune.

Any other woman would have ran at this point of time but not Mary. Instead she just gave John a wry grin, pulled him down for a daring kiss (inducing all sorts of shrieks of rage from the fangirls and more flashes from obnoxious press members), and then pulled Sherlock in for an awkward group hug.

"We're all shagging each other," she said cheekily, "now bog off!"

This did absolutely nothing to get rid of the press…

"We should have taken up Mycroft's offer for security," John sighed.

"No we shouldn't," Sherlock shook his head, "because it would mean we would have to invite him, and then therefore endure him being insufferable the entire time."

"Mr Holmes, Mr Watson, is it true that the entire wedding is a cover up for the first ever homosexual marriage in a church between the two of you?!"

"Forget extra security," John pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to fight off an oncoming headache. "We should have just eloped."

"Ooh elopement!" Sherlock enthused. "We could have gone to Cuba, or the Caribbean I know all the good beaches-"

"_Not us_!" John shouted hysterically. "I meant me and Mary!"

Unfortunately none of his loud defensive words did any good as the next morning, while eating their first breakfast as a married couple, John and Mary were confronted with this headline in the morning paper:

**WATSON WEDDING A FARCE!: COVER FOR DETECTIVE/BLOGGER ELOPEMENT!**


End file.
